Bill slept on the couch. He did not shower immediately and did not even take off his clothes. He untied and kicked off his shoes then lay down to doze off.
Before he knew it, it was almost five-thirty in the morning and he was going to be late for work. Quickly, without paying Tim or his fiancé any mind, he went into the bedroom to get clean clothes. Then he scooted into the bathroom and took himself a very quick shower, dressing right there except for his socks. Socks in hand, he went back to the living room, sat on the couch and finished dressing. From the phone in the kitchen, he called in to the restaurant and left a message on the answering machine.
By ten-to-six he was in his car and on the way. Tim and his fiancé had not even stirred. As he was driving, Bill took two black beauties from a baggie he kept in the glove compartment in the car. These he popped into his mouth and swallowed without any liquid. He checked the baggie to make sure he had enough speed at least for the day and that there was one acid tab in there. He had plenty of weed at work.
In a matter of moments he was beginning to feel the effects of the speed. He knew while he was getting dressed at work he would smoke a joint and drink bourbon and it would be simply another day.
He couldn’t decide if he was pissed or happy at what he had found. He remembered Marie in her car, in the party room. He thought about, oh, about them all, too many now to count on one hand. He thought about being engaged, not even married yet.
Maybe he was pissed. Maybe he was happy because the onus would not be on him. Maybe under the influence of the drugs he didn’t really care too much. Maybe, he thought, this really isn’t me.
At every cast party, both there at the University and later in New York, the actors, always ended up by themselves. No matter how many people were there, no matter how big the house or apartment where the party took place, or how many rooms it had, the actors would always find a room unto themselves and end up sitting on the floor kind of in a circle among themselves.
Bill watched. Bill watched everything. Even at the party where Bill had met his fiancé he had been watching. He had only come out on what was a beginning-to-snow night because some people he knew, not even friends, needed a ride. So he’d driven, had smoked some weed but had only drunk one beer because he was the driver. For most of the party he was alone in the corner watching.
The speed beginning to kick in, he felt alone now. Despite the fact that he was getting it on with multiple partners, despite the fact that he had a fiancé, he felt terribly alone. When he thought about it, and he generally didn’t, that feeling had come upon him almost immediately after his mother died. It had come upon him and stayed with him, hiding for long periods of time sometimes, but re-emerging capriciously. He felt it now, today, this morning as the sun was just beginning to lift itself above the horizon.
