They stayed together the whole hour. They played like high school kids making out on lover’s lane on Friday night. They wanted to, but they didn’t. They didn’t for several reasons, first and most important of which was that Beverly wasn’t ready for anything more than what they did, than what she allowed them to do.
Bill did not press her. He hadn’t been looking for her in the first place. Bill did for her what she wanted him to, and when he was done with what she wanted, he asked for nothing in return. Beverly wasn’t good with that and did what she did.
Then she cried. She spent the last twenty minutes crying some then laughing some. After she’d wiped her eyes and straightened herself completely, she stood before Bill where he sat on the stairs.
“I’m messed up, huh?”
“Conflicted,” Bill said.
“Well that’s a gross understatement.”
“Want the truth?”
“I’m all ears.”
“We shouldn’t do this again and you shouldn’t’ do anything with anyone until you know what you want.”
“You dumping me?”
“I didn’t know we were together.”
“You want to know the truth?”
“For sure.”
“I know what I want to do. I’m just scared.”
“Maybe you’re not completely sure.”
“That too.”
“Why’s it easier for guys?”
“Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t.”
“You’re handsome,” Beverly said. “I heard you before about me being pretty.”
Bill smiled at her. “You ticklish?” he asked.
“Fiercely.”
Bill stood up and grabbed her. He found the spots where she was ticklish and tickled her so she laughed, but he didn’t torture her. When she said she’d had enough, he let her go and they both sat down.
“So we can be friends, you know,” he said.
“You think?”
“Yup.”
“Why would you want that?”
“Cause here we are. Cause we met and we’re getting to know each other. I have plenty of girls, much more than I ever thought possible, much more than I ever wanted. Being married and being in a position in power seem to be like magnets.”
“You are handsome.”
Bill never thought that about himself, not in his whole life, and even as Beverly said it he still didn’t believe it. He wouldn’t say that to her, at least not at this moment, but the thought, his doubt, went through him as it always did when he considered this about himself. He didn’t think himself handsome or attractive, he didn’t think he was terribly smart and he didn’t think much of himself altogether. Maybe this was the result of his life’s events so far.
On another level, he sensed that he cut a good figure in his uniform with that apron tied around him. He was thin now, lanky, his hair was growing back nicely, already long. He surely wasn’t like most of the cooks. He was younger, thinner, a college graduate. But that’s what others saw of him. Personally, he was an ex-con, not really, just an ex-inmate of the Columbus workhouse. He had almost been expelled from the university, and he could go on with more negativity.
“Thank you,” he said after a moment.
“What would we do as friends?” Beverly asked.
“Share feelings. You could talk, we could talk.”
“I’m so messed up you wouldn’t want to hear my feelings.”
“I probably know them already. You think my life is golden? You think I’m not messed up?”
“Are you?”
“Everyone is. Me? I’m a college graduate cook. How you think that feels?
“How does it feel?”
“Wasn’t what I wanted. Wasn’t what I was dreaming about. Like you say, wasn’t what I signed up for.”
“Well at least you’re good at it.”
“Big fucking deal,” Bill said.
“All righty then,” Beverly said. “I think you and I can be friends. I think it might just be good fun.”
“And we can have good fun too,” Bill said.
“Let’s start now,” Beverly said. Facing him as he sat on the stairs, she stood in front of him and dropped her pants.
