Her being drunk was not a bad thing, Bill thought. His getting more high – he was used to drinking and so he was high, not drunk – was a good thing too. Owing her wasn’t bad either.
Wrong-think was bad and he was steeped in it. Self-pity was bad and he was steeped in that too. He didn’t quite know it or feel it as self-pity at the moment, but sometimes he did. Today he just felt crappy and he didn’t know why. All he knew was that he had no reason to be feeling crappy and that by any ordinary circumstances he should be feeling absolutely super.
On some level away from everything, if he looked at everything somewhat clearly, he had it made in the shade. Here was this gorgeous girl before him ready, willing and able, and she was not his wife either. That was the big dream of seven in ten married men. He was working, had money in the bank, had a good wife and…
He could go on.
“I am drunk,” Millie said, the third drink down. “See what you’ve done to me?”
“I haven’t done anything yet,” Bill said.
“And you’re not gonna,” Millie said. “I have to puke.”
“Ah, you’re fine,” Bill said.
“No. I really have to throw up.”
That said, she took off for the small closet-size bathroom there in the back.
And that was that.
Millie came back a moment later, disheveled and unsteady on her bare feet. She plopped herself into the arm chair and sat there, hair mussed, legs spread wide, dress partially opened bottom to top.
“You can do anything you want to me if you still want to,” she said.
“You look like shit,” Bill said. “You’re gorgeous, but you look like shit.”
“I feel like shit,” Millie said.
“Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker,” Bill said. He laughed.
“I mean it,” Millie said. “Just use me. I brushed my teeth and rinsed out my mouth with Listerine.”
Some fifteen years later Bill would be with a waitress who would say the same thing. Of course he couldn’t know this yet and he didn’t know that he would hear the words and remember Millie. He would remember then what he did now and so then in retrospect he would know what the feelings were.
What Bill did with Millie was about his father more than anything else, about that what-he-would-come-to-learn-as irrational and misguided notion that you had to give in order to get, or worse, that you just had to give. Bill would not rationalize it, would not think it out. Maybe if he could have done that he would have acted differently, not just now but through his whole life.
Millie was sprawled out in the chair just about maybe almost fully conscious.
“You know you really are gorgeous.” Bill stood a few feet from her, before her. He reached down and opened the last few buttons of her house-dress, spread it apart, stood looking at her skinny, Marie-like body. For his own pleasure, he reached behind her, unhooked her purple bra and pushed it to the side so he could see her bare breasts. Then he reached under her and pulled down her panties, let them settle down at her ankles and on her bare feet.
“Am I gorgeous?” Millie asked.
“You bet your sweet ass,” Bill said.
He stood looking at her as if he were an artist getting ready to start working on her portrait. In effect, it was somewhat the same. He was indeed an artist getting ready to go to work on his canvas.
